Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
