Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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