I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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