I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
