Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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