im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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