i already hear my dad disowning me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
