You surviving the open bar?
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Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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