I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
