true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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