just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
