The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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