Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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