Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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