Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We named our party play list daddy issues
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
