you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
