I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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