The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
