she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
