You're my little dorito
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
