I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
