I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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