I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
