what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
