I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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