The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
