This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Be still, my beating vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
