hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
