i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
