Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
