the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
