I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
