I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
