Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
