Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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