you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
