Christians are straight up FREAKS
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
