i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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