Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
