is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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