Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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