She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
