walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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