these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I want her autograph on my taint
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
