Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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