batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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