Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
There are leaves in my underwear?
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