Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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