So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
