I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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