Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
