At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
